Health

I’m Dying. Now Leave Me The Hell Alone.

Beating The Odds…

At this point I’m beating the odds.  The average American male life span is seventy seven years and I’m deep in my eighties and overall I feel pretty good.  But in America once you’ve lived eight decades—they won’t leave you the hell alone.

Want proof?  Here is the list of letters (all of them unsolicited) that I got last month: The Neptune Society, Burial at Sea, The Eden Mortuary, A Jewish Cemetery, The Forest Lawn Cemetery & Mortuary, a non-denominatial resting place.  That famous final resting place that takes up a large swath of The San Fernando Valley which could be used for public parks, schools, home etc. also sent me a 4 color brochure which must have cost a fortune.  The Mountain Society was more discreet.  Their letter head had the outline of a stately peak deep in the Canadian Rockies which, after cremation, would be my final resting place.

I say no thank you.

In addition to  these kind offers I gets solicitations from lawyers who want to update my will, prepare a living will or just go over my will so that anything I have left (and I’m trying hard as hell not to leave anything) does not go into probate.

They make probate sound worse than death itself.

And on top of these epistles which are going to make my demise better, easier and fairer to my descendants (whom as I mentioned I don’t care a whit about) I constantly get daily reminders about my failing faculties.  Over the last month and a half I have received letters offering me a free hearing test, a glossy brochure that rivaled Forest Lawn showing me the smallest, unobtrusive hearing aid, a letter with a discount on prescription glasses, two letters from hospitals extolling their expertise in replacing hips and knees.  A warning about the onset of diabetes and a Health Update from the biggest chain of hospitals in California.

I also must include the letters I get about various contraptions. In the last thirty days I have received pamphlets about motorized scooters, wheelchairs, devices to help you get out of the bathtub and bed, reading lamps with magnifying glasses and canes with easy grip handles and no skid tips and, of course, walkers.

And I also get magazines. (Lots of them.)  Every month there is a “glossy” from AARP with loads of advice on how to delay disease and death.  You’d expect that from The American Association of Retired Persons.  But what gets me are the newsletters I get from my unions and guilds I belonged to when I was a working stiff writer and actor.  Unions which I whole heartedly support.  Unions which give me a pension.  Unions which I still take an active part in.  But unions who constantly remind me of my impending death.  On the back of their monthly magazines they carry pages outlined in black and in a curly cue font listing all the members who kicked the bucket in the past thirty days.  I try not to but I always peruse the list.  I always find people I worked with, people I wished I worked with, and people I liked or disliked.  I look at their age when they passed.  I figure how much longer or shorter they lived than I have lived….And I’ve come to the inescapable conclusion that there’s no rhyme or reason for death.  People I’ve actively detested sometimes crack a hundred and some great guys and gals go in their fifties.  It pisses me off.

Incidentally, I categorically refuse to go to memorials or funerals but those those reminders keep coming too.

And now for my final gripe.  I’m talking about the solicitations I get from retirement homes.  Everybody looks so fucking happy—grown men and women are grinning like idiots over their lusty full of health laughing white haired mothers and fathers who seemingly are in the prime of their life.  There seems to be no pain, no decrepitude and certainly no death in these holding facilities.  It’s such crap.  And along with the grinning inmates these institutions give me lists and lists of amenities they offer.  There’s Gourmet dining (which I know includes only pureed stuff that is easy to chew), outings to gardens and museums (I’ve seen them all) workshops in how to use a computer  (I know how) arts and handicrafts (I have no interest) weekly variety shows (I cringe when I think of ninety year old broads singing ‘That Old Black Magic’) but despite all these misgivings one day I checked a retirement home out.

My working days were in television and I was getting monthly missives from The Motion Pictures and Television Hospital and Retirement Home asking me when I was coming aboard.  Finally I felt it was time to pay them a visit.  The Motion Picture Home is just off Mulholland Drive a few miles east of Malibu.  It’s an idyllic setting and its’ grassy lawns, well kept grounds, large movie theatre (where the studios show their new releases gratis) heated swimming pool, well stocked gym, airy dining  room and small but efficient and immaculate living quarters are all first rate …and all in all it’s one of the better places to go and die.  And I support them wholeheartedly but if only they’d stop sending me mail—-I’m not ready yet…and when I do I know how I’m going to do it.  Auto-asphyxiation.  That’s my route.  Hanging myself in the closet while I masturbate.  They say that’s the greatest high you can get. (Ask David Carridine—if you could.)

But I’ll put that off for a while.  But when I pull (sorry for the pun) it off, you can do anything with my body that you want to…Forget all the burials in the mountains or at sea.  Forget the earth burials—or  scattering my ashes to the winds.  I suggest leaving my withered old body where you found it—in the closet with a rope around my neck, my hand on my crotch and a smile on my face.

Cut Off Their Balls!!!

I have a solution for sex crimes. I’m talking about sexual deviants, rapists, child molesters, kidnappers and the like—they should have their balls cut off!

I don’t mean literally with a scissors or a scalpel…I mean they should be castrated chemically.

I know what I’m talking about. I have been chemically castrated twice!!!

No, I’m not a rapist or child molester…rather I have had the misfortune (like three quarters of the men of my age) of having prostate cancer.

But in the last thirty years medical science has made some remarkable advances in treating this disease. Because the cancer is driven by testosterone one of the ways to control this potentially life threatening ailment it is to stop the body from manufacturing the male hormone.

I can’t say that chemical castration is a pleasant experience. You have to take three pills (Casodex) and an inoculation (Lupron) once a month. And here’s what happens. You gain weight, at times you’re so exhausted you can’t get your butt off the couch—- and then you—formerly a red blooded fully functioning male go through menopause! Yeah menopause with all the hot flashes and hourly sweats your wives, girl friends and daughters have been complaining about. And on top of all these indignities you have no sex drive!

At first this actually can be rather pleasant. You’re no longer led around by your dick…but after a while you realize you’re missing something…no longer are you craning your neck or surreptitiously checking out women every chance you get, instead when you look at women you’re looking at dry wall. That’s right—when your testosterone is zero even the most gorgeous, sexy impossibly beautifully women look like a blank wall.

And to make matter worse when your testosterone is in the cellar you suddenly become more attractive to women…somehow your pheromones—that is if you even have any left are sending signals that you’re totally harmless. Women actually come onto you—they find you endearing, intelligent, understanding instead of being the ogre you were previously were when you were constantly ogling their butts.

So all in all chemical castration is an awful pain in the ass but it does save your life. Even though at times a life without sex seems like it’s not worth saving.

When I was diagnosed with prostate cancer I was sixty nine. (A prophetic number don’t cha think?) My wife was twenty years younger and was a very sexy—and I might add adventurous lady. I was totally enthralled with her and even at my advanced age we had sex—and plenty of it.

But a month after Casodex and Lupron I could no longer get an erection. This sad state of affairs lasted for thirteen months. That’s the length of time you have to be on these damnable meds…after that there is an agonizing slow revival of your id…but it’s never is the same…

But over all that may be a good thing— cause as I mentioned you’re still alive.

And now to why I think chemical castration is the humane way to treat sex offenders. Currently they live in the shadows with all kinds of restrictions…restrictions which, if they violate end them back in the slammer where they get butt fucked incessantly and occasionally killed by moralists in The Aryan Nation or The Mexican Mafia.

And if they don’t land back in jail or dead they spend their lives in shadow communities with an electronic collar around their ankles.

I say give these buggers Casodex and Lupron and let them live anywhere they want to. They’ll be as harmless and celibate as priests—oh, I better think of another analogy…

Any way I think chemical castration for sex deviants is a lot better than having them hanging around school yards with uncontrollable urges and pocketfuls of candy…Don’t you?

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