Minister of Scaring The Living S*#^ Out Of Us

In America there are currently 15 cabinet level positions plus 6 non department agencies that have cabinet level rank.  That’s a total of 21 advisors to the President.  But I ( a blacklisted Hollywood TV writer) think we should add one more.  It would make everybody’s job a whole lot easier.

Right now we are forever being put on edge by these 21 individuals and their never ending warnings about impending attacks, possible annihilation, global warming, high school dropout stats, the ever burgeoning national debt, the dismal condition of our highways, energy depletion—not to mention Muslum terrorists, narco terrorists, nuclear meltdowns, cyber attacks, water, air and land pollution, tsunamis, hurricanes, earthquakes, draught, cyclones and new lethal strains of the swine and bird flues.

Now all these things are indeed troublesome…and they are all something we must face.  But with 21 ministers and their countless minions constantly keeping us in state of anxiety their message is sometimes muted. (How many times can you worry about things coming at you from different directions.)

I say we should concentrate.  One or two catastrophes a day is enough to keep us all jumpy and nervous.  And I propose adding one more cabinet position to make all this happen.

I have a title for this new cabinet level position, it’s called The Minister of Scaring The Living Shit Out Of US.  It is this cabinet minister’s job to gather all the impeding catastrophes, boil them down to their essentials, issue the proper warnings, (in fact lets go back to color codes, they were quite effective) and report to us three times a day—at 9am, 6PM and midnight.  After that we are left alone …so we can get a little sleep—all-be-it it will be a sleep with troublesome dreams.

But it’ll be worth it.  On top of making impending doom more concise and therefore punchier and more worrisome, having A Scare The Shit Out Of US Minister has a number of other advantages: You receive your daily scare quotient in just one place.  That saves manpower and saves money.  Not to mention the overall saving in broadcast band width, newsprint, REM, disk space—in fact I could go on and on….But here’s the best part of creating A Minister To Scare The Shit Out Of US.  Having such a cabinet post gives the other 21 ministers a lot more time to issue press reports and write speeches and appear on Face The Nation where they can do what they were originally hired to do–

And that’s to scare the shit out of the rest of the world.

Mr. Mitt Romney Takes A Dump

Call me perverted but I’m fascinated with Mitt Romney’s execratory practices while he was on a Mormon Mission to France. I know quite a bit about defecating in that country. I went to school there, got a degree, married a French woman and took many a shit in that fair country.

When Romney was knocking on doors informing dubious citizens that God had left golden tablets in an upstate New York parking lot, I was the coordinating producer for the world wide telecast of the Winter Olympics in Grenoble France

But so much for my bona fides now back to Mitt who says that while he in France he often went to the bathroom in a bucket or a hole in the ground. It’s true that during the Middle Ages the French often deposited their intestinal remnants in a bucket which they often threw out the window— but that practice stopped about the time they beheaded Marie Antoinette. In fact The French became habituated to the glories of indoor plumbing at roughly the same time as we Americana did.

However the French did have something that lasted well into the twentieth century—which like their ubiquitous bidets—shocked many a visitor. It was called Un Cabinet Turc or Turkish Cabinet. (The French do have a tendency to blame foreigners for some their unsavory practices.) But the Cabinet Turc wasn’t too bad. It was a room lined in porcelain which indeed had a hole in the floor instead of a toilet, but the cabinet had amenities—including grunt bars to hold onto and toilet paper. Of course sometimes they ran out and one was forced to use yesterday’s newspaper but when Mitt was fruitlessly proselytizing and badgering the mostly atheist French, Turkish Cabinets were were pretty much a thing of the past. At most Mitt may have shit in them once or twice, other than that he had it pretty damn good. Here’s why; for most of his time in France he lived in a mansion in one of the ritziest sections of Paris. His digs were owned by The Mormon church and according to Christian Euvard, the 72 year old director of the Mormon-run Institute of Religion in Paris, who knew Romney, “The building had beautiful, gilded interiors and a Spanish chef who cooked delicious meals five days a week.” In today’s money the building is worth 12 million dollars. For money like that besides bidets which the virginal Mormon missionaries undoubtedly thought were for washing your feet, you get flush toilets.

Romney may know all the stanzas of America The Beautiful. He can believe in The Angel Moroni and the powers of magic underwear—but he admits to something which the French, who are on the whole one of the most animal loving people on earth would never condone. They take their pets wherever they go– to restaurants, bars, cafes, markets—but they don’t stuff their dogs in a crate tied to the top of their car as The Romney Family did when they went on vacation….

Mitt Romney, man of the people, payer of 15% income tax that is immoral and disgusting. I have nothing against your giving millions of dollars to The Church of Latter Day Saints but for God’s sake man, pull up your pants and give a yearly tithe to The ASPCA as penance for what you did to your dog. It was far more revolting than then depositing your cordon bleu, catered dinner into a hole in the floor which I doubt because I like I said I bet the manse in France had toilets….and probably ones with heated seats.


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