Eric Kaldor’s Blog

Minister of Scaring The Living S*#^ Out Of Us

In America there are currently 15 cabinet level positions plus 6 non department agencies that have cabinet level rank.  That’s a total of 21 advisors to the President.  But I ( a blacklisted Hollywood TV writer) think we should add one more.  It would make everybody’s job a whole lot easier.

Right now we are forever being put on edge by these 21 individuals and their never ending warnings about impending attacks, possible annihilation, global warming, high school dropout stats, the ever burgeoning national debt, the dismal condition of our highways, energy depletion—not to mention Muslum terrorists, narco terrorists, nuclear meltdowns, cyber attacks, water, air and land pollution, tsunamis, hurricanes, earthquakes, draught, cyclones and new lethal strains of the swine and bird flues.

Now all these things are indeed troublesome…and they are all something we must face.  But with 21 ministers and their countless minions constantly keeping us in state of anxiety their message is sometimes muted. (How many times can you worry about things coming at you from different directions.)

I say we should concentrate.  One or two catastrophes a day is enough to keep us all jumpy and nervous.  And I propose adding one more cabinet position to make all this happen.

I have a title for this new cabinet level position, it’s called The Minister of Scaring The Living Shit Out Of US.  It is this cabinet minister’s job to gather all the impeding catastrophes, boil them down to their essentials, issue the proper warnings, (in fact lets go back to color codes, they were quite effective) and report to us three times a day—at 9am, 6PM and midnight.  After that we are left alone …so we can get a little sleep—all-be-it it will be a sleep with troublesome dreams.

But it’ll be worth it.  On top of making impending doom more concise and therefore punchier and more worrisome, having A Scare The Shit Out Of US Minister has a number of other advantages: You receive your daily scare quotient in just one place.  That saves manpower and saves money.  Not to mention the overall saving in broadcast band width, newsprint, REM, disk space—in fact I could go on and on….But here’s the best part of creating A Minister To Scare The Shit Out Of US.  Having such a cabinet post gives the other 21 ministers a lot more time to issue press reports and write speeches and appear on Face The Nation where they can do what they were originally hired to do–

And that’s to scare the shit out of the rest of the world.

JoePa Could Throw Two Sewers

Let me take you back to Brooklyn, New York some sixty five years ago when Joe Paterno was a kid who could throw two sewers.  This is a remarkable feat passing a football the distance between two Brooklyn manhole covers.  I have tried to Google that distance but no stats are available.  Let me just say it was an astounding feat for us kids—most of us couldn’t get close to throwing a football one sewer….but what made it even more remarkable was there was another kid in my neighborhood who could do the same damn thing.  His name was Gene Rossides.  Gene played quarterback for Erasmus High while Joe Paterno was quarter backing for Boys High.  And when those two schools played each other it was super bowl time.  I couldn’t talk for a week after these games.  I was too hoarse.

Rossides was my man because he lived on my block and I idolized him and we both went to Erasmus High School.  Joe Paterno was the enemy who played for Erasmus’s nemesis Boys High.  But the two quarterbacks had a lot in common.  Both were first generation Americans as were most of us kids.  Both guys were small.  Imagine a five foot eight quarter back weighing a mere 145 pounds with arms like howitzers.

And both, besides being stellar athletes, were good students.  After high school they both attended Ivy League Schools.  Joe went to Brown and Gene went to Columbia.  And both brought football glory to their respective schools.

That’s what I like to remember about those guys….and I like to remember their cameradie though they were die hard opponents during the school year during the summer they often practiced together.

I remember both of them playing touch football in a vacant lot…sometimes I could even get into the game.  One time I caught a game winning touchdown thrown like a rifle shot by Paterno….

That’s how I want to remember JoePa.  A little guy with a rifle for an arm and a smile as wide as his face.

And that’s the Joe Paterno I will never forget.  Not the defeated old man hounded by the press, crumpled and disgraced (way out of proportion to what he had done or didn’t do in the Sandusky matter).  But I remember a guy who was a real hero, self effacing, humorous, bright and who would throw a bullet pass to little kids and knock them on their ass…and then he’d haul them to their feet and tell them, “nice going.” That’s the JoePa I remember—-a hero, a mench, a guy who could throw two sewers!


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