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Please Mark Zuckerberg, Help, I’m Jewish!

Letter To Mark Zuckerberg

Dear Zucky,

Please forgive the informality, but guys who have Zuckerberg (EnglishTranslation Sugarmountain) for a name were always called Zucky in my old Brooklyn neighborhood.

I know you come from Scarsdale or some ritzy place but I’ll bet you were still called “Zucky” as a term of endearment…and above all, I want this letter to be endearing.

Because you could lterally save my life

Here’s how. I am a broke, hasbeen actor/writer. I currently have a flop at the Motion Picture Home for the aged. It’s not a bad place—it’s just not for me. Though I’m deep in my eighties, I still have hope, and there’s little of that around here. My fellow denizens walk around (if they can still walk) constantly complaining about their aches and pains. They also bitch about the lack of visits from their ungrateful children. But one visit they don’t complain about and that’s the one that’s inevitable, is the visit from the Grim Reaper.

I’m putting him off too because I still want to live like I used to. And I once  lived pretty good in Hollywood. But with alimony, bad investments, and the ever-shrinking job market for altercockers,(old man) I can’t find work!

Now by the grace of Hashem,(For those who are not MOT ( member of the tribe ) that’s how we Jews refer to God. As I was saying, by the grace of Hashem I finally got a helluva job and you Zucky, got it for me.  You recently made the first Facebook television commercial…it was a beaut. It depicted many people from around the world who use Facebook which essentially means the entire world and I was a featured player in that commercial. An Arab sheik.

And that’s where the trouble began.

Facebook TV Commercial

But I’m no sheik.

And this is the real, real me.

Mark Zuckerberg Letter

I know you didn’t know that I was  MOT because of the costume and my professional delivery. My consummate acting chops sold me as an Arab Sheik …

And here comes the rub for who knows for whatever reason, despite my stellar performance I was left on the cutting room floor.

Administrative oversight no doubt, but one that can be corrected by you for this Jew who looks like an Arab.…

It would be a mitzvah (blessing) and would allow me to rent a pad in Hollywood, where I could hang out with my buddies from the Super Bowl Taco Bell commercial.

I hope you can take care of this Zucky. Pick me up off the cutting room floor.

I will be eternally grateful.

And if you need further proof that I’m Jewish, I’ll show you my circumcised schmekel (penis to you Christians). I realize Muslims are circumcised as well as many Christians, so to proveI I’m Jewish I’ll recite The Shema (our holiest prayer). Of course I won’t do this at the same time I’m exposing myself, that would be sacrilegious.

Anyway in closing I hope you give this letter and my pleas some consideration.

Mazel Tov (Luck) to you and your Chinese wife. I hear that Chinese-Jewish children have the highest IQ’s in the world. L’Chaim (Life) to you Zucky.

Yours Truly,

Eric Kaldor

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