Swine Bird Flu

Minister of Scaring The Living S*#^ Out Of Us

In America there are currently 15 cabinet level positions plus 6 non department agencies that have cabinet level rank.  That’s a total of 21 advisors to the President.  But I ( a blacklisted Hollywood TV writer) think we should add one more.  It would make everybody’s job a whole lot easier.

Right now we are forever being put on edge by these 21 individuals and their never ending warnings about impending attacks, possible annihilation, global warming, high school dropout stats, the ever burgeoning national debt, the dismal condition of our highways, energy depletion—not to mention Muslum terrorists, narco terrorists, nuclear meltdowns, cyber attacks, water, air and land pollution, tsunamis, hurricanes, earthquakes, draught, cyclones and new lethal strains of the swine and bird flues.

Now all these things are indeed troublesome…and they are all something we must face.  But with 21 ministers and their countless minions constantly keeping us in state of anxiety their message is sometimes muted. (How many times can you worry about things coming at you from different directions.)

I say we should concentrate.  One or two catastrophes a day is enough to keep us all jumpy and nervous.  And I propose adding one more cabinet position to make all this happen.

I have a title for this new cabinet level position, it’s called The Minister of Scaring The Living Shit Out Of US.  It is this cabinet minister’s job to gather all the impeding catastrophes, boil them down to their essentials, issue the proper warnings, (in fact lets go back to color codes, they were quite effective) and report to us three times a day—at 9am, 6PM and midnight.  After that we are left alone …so we can get a little sleep—all-be-it it will be a sleep with troublesome dreams.

But it’ll be worth it.  On top of making impending doom more concise and therefore punchier and more worrisome, having A Scare The Shit Out Of US Minister has a number of other advantages: You receive your daily scare quotient in just one place.  That saves manpower and saves money.  Not to mention the overall saving in broadcast band width, newsprint, REM, disk space—in fact I could go on and on….But here’s the best part of creating A Minister To Scare The Shit Out Of US.  Having such a cabinet post gives the other 21 ministers a lot more time to issue press reports and write speeches and appear on Face The Nation where they can do what they were originally hired to do–

And that’s to scare the shit out of the rest of the world.

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